Tuesday, August 31, 2010

How to Deal

I have been getting a lot of questions lately about how I am handling our immigration ban and how I can deal with the cruel fact that some people are allowed to live in the US with their spouse and some are not. It all comes down to where you were born and the luck (if you want to call it that) of the draw. I spent a lot of time being pissed off and jealous when I saw a "regular couple" (two US Citizens) fighting over something stupid or complaining about their lives. I couldn't bear to see someone upset about their small problems when I knew that my problem was so... massive. I had my moments of bitterness, trying to figure out why I was dealt such a bad card in life.

Then one day, I was particularly upset with the world and on my way to Rubio's to pick up dinner because I didn't feel like cooking. Surprise, surprise. Now let's ignore the fact that I am feeling sorry for myself even though I am so privileged that I have the option of getting take-out when I'm too tired/lazy to cook (that is a whole other enchilada my friends.) I pull into the parking lot and am literally in tears thinking about everything going on at the time when I see a man in a wheelchair. He has no legs and he is trying to open the door to some Gyro restaurant in the strip mall. He practically fell out of his wheelchair trying to open the door and not one person who was eating on the patio dining area got up to help him. It hit me like a ton of bricks. Now this was a man with real problems. Suddenly I realized that my conflicts were so "first world" and I had to move on with my life. I bet that man in the wheelchair wasn't as miserable as I thought he was. He was probably just happy to be alive. Feeling sorry for myself and playing the "woe is me" card wasn't going to get me anywhere.

It has been over 3 years since we learned we were 9C and this incident of realization happened just a few months ago. So for those of you who just found out the reality of your situation, please don't think I am a cold-hearted bitch. At some point you too will come to accept (to some degree) the hand you were dealt. Of course, we are just now putting a dent in the ban so that sucks, but we had to save money before we moved and I am so happy we waited. Even now, we stopped the process after our I-130 approval so we still want to schedule an appointment with USCIS so we can get the official ban as well as show the Consulate that we are indeed outside of the US.

As for handling the ban... all we can for now is suck it up and carry on with our lives. It may sound incredibly harsh and insensitive, but remember, I am not some outsider passing judgment; this is my life. There are almost 7 billion people in this world and only 300 million live in the US. And everyone else, well, they live. I try to remind myself that not everyone yearns to be a US Citizen and there are millions (dare I say billions?) of people out there who are perfectly content and feel fulfilled and blessed in countries other than the US. Some are happy, some are sad. Some are failures, some are successful. Some are rich, some are poor. It's all in how you view things.

And so we are trying to move on with life and stay positive. When I married my husband it was till death do us part. There were no stipulations in our vows as to where we got to live till death. :) So maybe we are living in the murder capital of the world, maybe I have to wait 2 hours to cross the border for work, and maybe my husband only makes $250 US Dollars a month. But we love each other, we are together, we are living our lives, and that is all that matters. I am no stronger or braver than the next person. I'm just me and I am doing the best that I can.

16 comments:

  1. This is such a good blog. You may not think you are stronger than others, but I think you are. Not everyone would move to another country. We always talked about it when he was in Mexico waiting for his visa. What we would've done if he wasn't approved. I would've also moved to Mexico but it would be hard to move away fron the family. I admire you for doing what you believe is right. That takes a strong person. Take care of yourself and stay out of trouble. LOL ;) Remember, there is a reason for everything.

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  2. Hi Emily...
    I came across your blog the other day, and I just wanted to say I agree with every word of this post. I'll be moving to Mexico in a month or two and I pretty much have the same attitude. We don't even have the hope of returning to the US in the future, and I'm ok with that. I could stay here alone, but I am making the choice to go to Mexico to keep my family intact and be with the one I love.

    P.S. I've been freaking out trying to decide if I should do a menaje de casa. I'm glad to know you got through fine without one.

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  3. Well, this is a good realization to have. I had mine some time ago, even though I'm not in the exact situation, it is good to come to terms with it.

    Any who, I just found your blog and like it!

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  4. Hey Emily... I too believe you are a very strong, grounded person. I admire you for doing what you think is right and doing it with grace. I love your blogs!

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  5. Emily,

    I think you are so incredibly wise. You're right. We are so privileged - if immigration hardships are the main hardships we face, well, we are still blessed. I think every day how fortunate I am to have found my media-naranja, even if the process to be with him was more strenuous than it has been for other couples - he is worth it. Our love is worth it. And like you said, "Until death do us part" has no stipulations on where you're living or how much you are making! I feel honored to be your friend =)

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  6. I admire you for being so strong, and it is comforting to me to know I am not the only one in this situation. This post will help me be less bitter towards US immigration (hopefully) :)

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  7. Emi,
    Totally understand the 1st World Problem theory and you hit the nail on the head. Half the time I realize what I'm whining about is only a "problem" because of where I grew up and my perception about life and how the world should revolve around me. The longer I'm here the more I think most Americans are born with some sense of entitlement that 99% of the rest of the world doesn't have. You are awesome and totally brave though so give yourself a TON of credit.

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  8. I have just started reading your blog and find it quite interesting. However, I have a problem with this sentence.

    "I have been getting a lot of questions lately about how I am handling our immigration ban and how I can deal with the cruel fact that some people are allowed to live in the US with their spouse and some are not. It all comes down to where you were born and the luck (if you want to call it that) of the draw."

    It doesn't come down to luck of the draw. My fiance is from Mexico. We met when I was studying there. He has a valid tourist visa and has never been in the US illegally, ever. We decided to apply for a fiance visa so that he could legally immigrate to the US. We aren't done yet, but it was a very lengthy and expensive process. It's not luck of the draw. It's about doing things the legal way. I have nothing but sympathy for those from other countries who don't have the best options and seek better lives. I know how difficult it is to legally immigrate to the U.S. However, at the same time, if you choose to bypass legal means and enter illegally, when there are many of us in line waiting and paying to enter legally, you need to accept the consequences of your action. Our immigration system is broken, and I don't agree with it, but at the same time, it is frustrating to wait a year and pay tons of money to do it legally and then see people who entered illegally complain about the consequences of their actions.

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    1. I just found this blog after I heard about the author on some NPR show. I totally agree with your comment. My wife and I are going through the Fiance visa process and I was hoping to read something here like what you wrote. I have no sympathy for people who break the laws of this country and then ask for a free pass to become citizens. The system needs to be improved, and it's far from perfect, but there are channels available to enter the country legally. Unfortunately, the author's husband brought this situation on himself and now she's been dragged in as well. The author should try going the other way and entering Mexico illegally, I don't think they would give her a warm welcome.

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    2. When I said it was about "the luck of the draw" I was referred to where a person is born. God puts you where he puts you. I was not referring to the immigration process.

      Also, the channels that both of you speak of are not available for everyone. For a regular, hardworking, blue collar, Joe Schmoe, in any country in the world, there really isn't any process available to immigrate to the US. There is no line to get into, no paperwork available, etc. Which is why my husband, and millions of others, threw caution to the wind and came to the US so that he would be able to work and provide for his family.

      I am not excusing his behavior, simply hope you both realize that doing it the "legal" way isn't an option for the poor who are considered "unskilled workers" in the US.

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    3. It always amazes me how naive privileged people can be. I choose to say 'naive' instead of self-righteous because I know they're not trying to be self-righteous. Kind of like the white guard on the TAL segment before yours who doesn't understand why it would be so hard to earn money right when you get out of prison--oh right, he would just mow lawns and earn money the ethical way. When you have the luxury of not having to see that you have a culture or privilege or whatever--you think you're just the norm--you think everyone else should do things just like you would do them from your place of privilege that you fail to see. So it's easy to judge and feel like you're so much more moral and wise and entitled.

      Anyway, I appreciated and enjoyed your segment so much, Emily. You seemed like someone I'd want to be friends with. Love your blog--hope you'll keep writing. Aside from the hilarious posts, I especially appreciated you talking about how Americans who are so blase about recreational drugs need to wake up and think about the story behind their recreation--and how blind/hypocritical we are to not recognize what America has to do with Mexico's 'drug war.' You should contribute to HuffPo or something. Anyway, thanks for sharing your life. Best to you and your hubby. Peace out!

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  9. Thank you so much for this. You give me hope.

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  10. This is such a wonderful post. :) I love your attitude.

    ~*~

    Ceri

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  11. I happen to come across your blog last night and now I'm hooked! I admire your strength and your positive outlook. I relocated from AR to Mexico City almost a year ago leaving behind my US citizen husband and daughter due to the broken immigration laws back home. I was born in Mexico but my parents brought me to the US in search of the dream when I was 3 and now I just turned 28 and I'm finding it very difficult to adjust. I hope to gain half the strength you have and I hope your husbamd knows how truly lucky he is to have his spouse by his side through this horrible process. Best wishes to you and your familia, I look forward to getting to know you better through your blog.

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    1. Thanks Bea! I wish you the best while you adjust to Mexico. Hopefully we'll get some relief in the form of CIR sooner rather than later. Take care!

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