Saturday, April 19, 2014

Suck it up Buttercup

I haven't really felt like writing much lately and I suppose that more than anything, this will probably just be a pep talk for myself.

If you've been following this blog, you already know that I went to Missouri for Spring Break, but this week, my dad came to visit me from El Salvador. It wasn't planned, it definitely wasn't something I expected and was totally last minute, but I enjoyed each and every moment. We hadn't seen each other in more years than either of us are willing to admit. It was funny though, when I saw him, I felt like I had just seen him yesterday. I guess that can be attributed to our daily Skype/FaceTime/Magic Jack calls. Thank you Technology.

I think his visit, coupled with my regular visit home, left me longing for my family even more. It made me question whether I made the right decision to move to Mexico. It left me with a deep desire to live in the States with my family there or in Central America with my dad. It left me regreting our situation much more than I normally do.

April always kind of blows for us though. Mainly because we both go "home" in March and that costs money. A lot of money. Money for a plane ticket to Missouri, money for a bus ticket to Parral. I can't help but think that if we were near at least one of our family units, we wouldn't be feeling the aftermath of travel costs for months. Or feeling torn.

Money is always at the root of our struggles. I suppose that's true for everyone though. It irritates me all the same. 

Sometimes I just feel like I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going. I am going to be 30 this year and I feel like I should have more stability in my life. I should know what I want to be when I grow up. I should have enough money to not need to buy single rolls of toliet paper  or a cup of dry beans on the days leading up to pay day. I shouldn't have to live in Mexico where my husband has no choice but to do back-breaking labor full time for less than $50 a week. It just shouldn't be this way...

At least that's how I feel, that's the way I think it should be. However, if I'm being honest, I'm pretty sure that there's no certain way life should or shouldn't be. Because life is unpredictable and different for everyone and it is ever-changing and evolving. Considering the curveballs we've been thrown, expecting to have more direction and security is probably just too much to ask for.

If I wasn't being such a pathetic, whiney little brat right now, I would see how lucky we are. To be together, to have jobs, to be healthy, to have a roof over our heads. To have enough to pay the bills.

But lately, that desire for "more" has been eating away at me. Some days I feel like I am just drowning in uncertainties that I can barely breathe. I don't want to go out, I cancel plans with friends, I've become a total asshole. I just want to sit alone and be.

I was 5 episodes of Scandal, 52 levels of Lep's World and 2 packages of Ramen noodles deep today when I realized that I was still wearing my pajamas and I couldn't remember if I had brushed my teeth. It was 5 pm before I finally decided to shower and get dressed.

I ran to the store to buy flour to make cookies for our friend's annual Easter picnic tomorrow and in my attempt to navigate the flooded streets of Juarez after a storm, I took a different route than I usually do.

I saw the work of Accion Poetica along the way and instantly felt better.

This isn't what I imagined my life would be like and we do struggle more than we would in the states. I can deny that all day and speak for countless hours about the benefits of life outside the US, but it is what it is. 

With that being said, I was destined to be here with Raymundo. I never thought I would find such an incredible partner in life and he is much more than I ever imagined. I know I am one of the lucky ones.

So next time you see me moping around feeling sorry for myself, can you do me a favor? 

Tell me to suck it up Buttercup.