Sunday, March 10, 2013

The 15 Unwritten Rules of Border Crossing

1. Don't leave more than 3 feet of space between you and the car in front of you.

2. Don't cut in front of me in line.

3. Don't ask your children to peek their cute little heads out the window to ask me if you can cut in front of me.

4. When driving into Mexico, do not drive over the curb, or on the shoulder of the road, so that you can cut in front of people. That shoulder is for emergencies such as a break-down or an ambulance. Just get in the line like a normal fucking person and then the entire line can move fluidly as it's meant to and I don't have to spend 30 minutes listening to constant horn honking.

5. Do not fall asleep in line, we're all tired and don't want to get screwed and cut in front of because you stayed up late.

6. Do not honk your horn at Customs and Border Protection. It doesn't help. If anything, they feel offended and work even slower.

7. Do not spend so much time purchasing a burrito/newspaper/rosary/whateverthefuck that people have the opportunity to cut into our lane.

8. If you are a pedestrian, do not ask me (a complete stranger) if you can get in my car, because you don't want to wait in the pedestrian lane.

9. Do not get in the Ready Lane if you do not have an RFID enabled card.

10. If you feel like blasting your music, that's cool, but kill the bass because I'm kind of hung over and it makes me want to vomit.

11. Do not stare at me unless you are checking out the fact that I am the sexiest beast you've ever seen. Find something to do other than staring at other people. Read a book, balance your checkbook, Tweet something. Figure it out.

12. If you can't read your book, do your make-up or check your Instagram and pay attention to the line at the same time, don't do anything at all. I've got places to go.

13. If you see someone broke down in line, and you aren't in a rush, stop and ask them if they need help. Maybe they just need jumper cables and don't have them. Maybe they just need to make a phone call and don't have a cell.

14. If you have a bottle of tequila in your car, just freaking claim it. The tax is probably only a dollar; definitely not worth a big fine.

15. Have your passport ready before you approach the CBP station. You've had an hour to prepare yourself, not sure why it's so hard to have your identification ready.

I wish the Aduana Mexicana and US Customs and Border Protection would pass this shit out... Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get a pamphlet made? Maybe a billboard?


  1. I showed my husband this and he laughed. He says you got it down to a tee!

  2. I used to be a daily crosser after the violence ran me out of Reynosa. I drove an old beat up truck for this purpose. One time a commuter van driven by an asshole decided to create his own lane and slide by me. He scratched my truck a little which really was no big deal. I had no plans for the evening so I refused to let him in by keeping my truck bumper to bumper with the car ahead of me and when I got to the checkpoint, I told the border patrol the guy hit me. We were both pulled over and then we had to wait 45 minutes for the cops to show up. It took another 30 minutes to make the report. The asshole claimed I hit him! I hope the others in the van were pissed at him.

    Then there was this one time a married man named Victor was in the next lane and he tried to get me to go out with him...

    Oh, the stories I could tell.

  3. I have only crossed like 8 times in 2 years, but I can totally relate to each and everyone of these! LOL

  4. You are so right!! I accidentally found this blog, just read it all, I love it!

  5. What???? No mention of motorcycles and their "right to every available space they can worm their way into??" Usually right in front of YOU.

  6. I just started my daily crossings 3 weeks ago here in Juarez and seriously you got it down perfectly!!!

  7. This is hilarious and evidentially applies to all border crossings. I live in Tijuana since 2010 due to my husbands deportation and I cross to San Diego M - F with our boys. I could tell you it's the same over here if not worse. I could definitely add a few to this list. Lol

  8. I have another rule that may only apply to the Otay crossing in Tijuana. Children: please refrain from applying clown makeup and then blowing fire at my car and/or standing on my car while juggling. It's not cute. I'm not amazed. I'm not going to pay you. No matter what you do, I'm saving my money for churros and Alarma.

  9. hilarious!!! and so true....although I have never had anyone ask me for a ride, I do get people looking at me weird when I am waiting in line and my husband happens to be on a job site down by the garita, he'll get in the car with me for a while and get out when I am close to crossing.

    1. I see people doing that sometimes and always wondered why. Now I can consider that a possibility :)