Thursday, March 26, 2015

Plot Twist

It's been 142 days since my last confession and years since I've taken such a long a break from this blog. Actually, I've never taken this long of a break. A lot has happened in the last few months.

I celebrated my 9th anniversary of being clean from drugs, visited my husband's hometown for the first time, achieved a milestone in my career that I have been fantasizing about for many years. Can you say million dollar branch? I wrote a blog about that but didn't feel like publishing it at the time. I was sick all winter. Like 3 months straight. Bronchitis after Thanksgiving, then strep, then bronchitis again, then the flu. I was going to write a blog about that but didn't. I hit a road-block with my writing that brought out some serious insecurities. I wrote a blog about that one too but... You know.

I can make a million excuses, but at the end of the day, I haven't posted because I just haven't felt like I had anything worth saying. I felt so pressured to publish something of meaning that I forgot why I began this blog in the first place. First and foremost, this was to be a place where I could journal my experiences as an American adjusting to life in Juarez. To communicate with my family and close friends. To let them know that I was okay. Hakuna Matada.

It was never supposed to be anything more than that. It was never supposed to mean so much or to be so stressful. I've missed the connection that this blog gave me and have been humbled by everyone who reached out to me with concerns about the fact that I haven't blogged. I'm sorry I haven't posted or if I've worried anyone. I've posted here and there on Facebook and Instagram but I'm quick to forget that some of you aren't into social media.

What have I been up to in the past couple of months? Well, I drank too much, I ate too much, I binged on Netflix too much and I loved every minute of it while simultaneously feeling the guilt that has come from my laziness and absence from the world. Being sick for a couple of months left me with poor habits. Staying in the house under the covers, eating a bunch of crap, having no desire to socialize or partake in any real-world activities. Simply put, I'm all fucked up.

I don't know a better way to say it. I haven't blogged because I've been embarrassed about my current state. Although there isn't really anything I feel I can't share here, there are certain things I felt were better left unsaid. There have been some developments in my life that have left me questioning what I'm doing. They left me questioning where this blog is going, and where I'm going. I feel a bit lost and a bit self-conscious and a bit desperate for change. That desperation should motivate me, but instead I'm just left throwing my hands in the air. I feel defeated, perhaps. Life is good. My marriage is great. Work is excellent. But this? This blog? All of this? I'm not sure where it's going.

Which is ridiculous because from the get-go, I had no direction. This was just my way of communicating with you. With anyone who felt like listening. Anyone feeling desperate and in search of a solution. With anyone who could relate. With anyone who was curious. With anyone who just felt like reading a story and didn't mind a shit-ton of profanity. In time it grew to be more in some way. And suddenly, it wasn't. It wasn't more, it wasn't special, it wasn't a solution.

I don't really understand what I'm going through but after reading the emails so many of you have sent me, I feel like you deserve to see me write myself through it. I feel emotional and irrational and pessimistic. Maybe this is some sort of pre-mid-life-mid-life crisis. Maybe it's too early to tell. I don't know. But I feel... Off? Not really sad, but definitely not where I was, and not where I feel I should be.

18 comments:

  1. Well, I think that what you are feeling is a very normal and important part of life. Spring is a powerful motivator of change and thus, in spring, it is completely correct to do an inventory of what you want to hang on to, what you want to let go, what direction you truly want to be headed in. Baby steps.
    And sometimes the only reason to write is because you want to. Do you want to? If you do, just do it. Don't worry about where it goes. Writing often helps me to figure out what it is I'm truly feeling.
    I hope it does that for you, as well.

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    1. Thank you and I think you're totally right about Spring. I think that may be playing a role in my decision to finally come out of the shadows here.

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  2. God Bless, I hope you find that inner peace...

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  3. Girl, this is yours. We're just visitors. You don't owe us explanations. The only one who deserves anything is you. You deserve the best from you, always. That should some first. At some point we all throw our hands up and wonder what the hell we're supposed to do with our bad selves. Through time and tide something will work itself out. I promise. Hang in there.

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    1. Thanks so much for your support. I guess the issue I'm facing right now is really more about me trying to figure out where the hell my life is going than anything else. But you're right, in time everything will work out, it always does.

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  4. I'm simply glad to read your words, and confirm that you are OK. I only started reading after hearing the TAL segment, so maybe that exposure was both good and bad? The reach of TAL brought more readers, but at the same time, it punched a hole in the "just between us' vibe you previously enjoyed.

    Best of luck to you. I hope you'll continue to write; there are many of us who enjoy reading it. But don't feel obligated. We'll enjoy it if it continues, but understand if it doesn't.

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    1. Thank you. Actually TAL was a positive thing all around. I did get a lot of new readers because of it, but a lot of new friends as well. I think the vibe here is still the same as it's always been and I honestly feel just as free to share now as I did on day one. The problem is more within myself, and my own expectations of myself. Thanks again and I do hope you stick around, I'm sure I'll be writing more.

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  5. Glad that you are okay and just taking time to figure things out. I've enjoyed reading your blog for years, since I can relate to your situation and you crack my ass up. But definitely only write if you wanna write! We'll be here to read and enjoy whatever you want to put out there.

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    1. Thanks for sticking around all these years!

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  6. okay so my last post got deleted..here I go again lol..well I am so glad to see you back! I have been following you for years and enjoy reading from anywhere I am constantly checking in to see your posts from work and home and wanted you to know that you inspire me and I feel your pain many days (those days when you feel like you can't catch a break) and I feel like I know you (not in a stalker way) but in a "let me check in on my girl Emily" kind of way...Just know that you are an inspiration to your writers and I had been checking in since last year wondering and hoping you were okay...I know I cannot relate with living in Mexico but I can relate with life...thank you for your honesty and candidness and glad to see you back :)

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  7. MrsRum summed it up. When this blog becomes less of an enjoyment, taking a break is the natural thing to do. I was glad to see your post and will patiently wait for the next, but at your own pace.

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    1. Thanks Dave. Hope all is well with you and yours. Now go have a beer in that man cave for me!

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  8. You're doing it all beautifully, Emily. Thanks for updating us because reading about you we think we know you. I hope you have fun as you figure out what to do next, it all goes by so fast.

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    1. Thank you. And you're so right... It all goes by so fast! I need to make sure I enjoy every minute.

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  9. I am so glad you wrote... I similarly let my blog lapse. I just don't know how to document what's going on right now. Everything is so up in the air and I don't know how to cope. So I'd love to read what you're going through.

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  10. I'm just glad you're back. You are a beautiful, candid and authentic writer and I just enjoy reading. Whether you write about the midnight tamales cart, local events or Netflix binging, I'm glad you do.

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