The 15 Unwritten Rules of Border Crossing

1. Don't leave more than 3 feet of space between you and the car in front of you.

2. Don't cut in front of me in line.

3. Don't ask your children to peek their cute little heads out the window to ask me if you can cut in front of me.

4. When driving into Mexico, do not drive over the curb, or on the shoulder of the road, so that you can cut in front of people. That shoulder is for emergencies such as a break-down or an ambulance. Just get in the line like a normal fucking person and then the entire line can move fluidly as it's meant to and I don't have to spend 30 minutes listening to constant horn honking.

5. Do not fall asleep in line, we're all tired and don't want to get screwed and cut in front of because you stayed up late.

6. Do not honk your horn at Customs and Border Protection. It doesn't help. If anything, they feel offended and work even slower.

7. Do not spend so much time purchasing a burrito/newspaper/rosary/whateverthefuck that people have the opportunity to cut into our lane.

8. If you are a pedestrian, do not ask me (a complete stranger) if you can get in my car, because you don't want to wait in the pedestrian lane.

9. Do not get in the Ready Lane if you do not have an RFID enabled card.

10. If you feel like blasting your music, that's cool, but kill the bass because I'm kind of hung over and it makes me want to vomit.

11. Do not stare at me unless you are checking out the fact that I am the sexiest beast you've ever seen. Find something to do other than staring at other people. Read a book, balance your checkbook, Tweet something. Figure it out.

12. If you can't read your book, do your make-up or check your Instagram and pay attention to the line at the same time, don't do anything at all. I've got places to go.

13. If you see someone broke down in line, and you aren't in a rush, stop and ask them if they need help. Maybe they just need jumper cables and don't have them. Maybe they just need to make a phone call and don't have a cell.

14. If you have a bottle of tequila in your car, just freaking claim it. The tax is probably only a dollar; definitely not worth a big fine.

15. Have your passport ready before you approach the CBP station. You've had an hour to prepare yourself, not sure why it's so hard to have your identification ready.

I wish the Aduana Mexicana and US Customs and Border Protection would pass this shit out... Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get a pamphlet made? Maybe a billboard?