Sunday, October 20, 2013

A Leap of Faith

I hear the stories all the time.

I used to go to Vertigo every Saturday night and party till dawn. My family used to go to Juarez every weekend and walk the tianguis and get burritos y raspas. I used to go see my Tia a few times a week, she makes the best tortillas in the world. I used to get my hair cut twice a month in El Centro for only 20 pesos. I used get my check-ups every 6 months at Washington Dental. Best dentist ever. Hell, I've even heard some "I used to" stories about the prostitutes that frequent the massage parlors on Hermanos Escobar. I've heard it all. And I have to say, I'm at my wits' end with the some of these stories. I used to. We used to. They used to. She used to.

And then there was the drug war.

I know there is so much history on the border. So much back story with the drug war and the violence. So many have been affected and so much blood has been shed. People tell me the "used to" stories but they also have their fair share of horror stories. He was shot, they were abducted, she was car jacked stories. But how do we move past this? How can everyone feel at home in Juarez once again? What will it take for the 20-somethings to flock across the downtown bridge again to bar-hop before happily stumbling back across the border at 2 am? What will it take for people to reunite with their hermanos and tios and abuelos who they haven't seen in years because they don't have the luxury of a Border Crossing Card? What will it take for all the restaurants downtown to have a full house of El Pasoans once again?
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Last weekend we went out for the first time in a long time. We watched the boxing match and had a few drinks with friends at Drink Team on 16 de Septiembre. After the fight we passed through the Pronaf district as we drove back to our neck of the woods. The streets were alive. The clubs were packed, people pouring onto the streets from the entrances of El Rudo and T'Kila. When we made it to our last stop, Shadow Davidson's, I was feeling so happy, so comfortable, so... normal. I wondered to myself, why can't everyone feel this way in Juarez?

I imagine this is what Juarez used to look like. Before the war. When do we start referring to the drug war as "the war?" What's the difference between a drug war and any other kind of war? Countries collide, people die, the military gets involved. What's the difference? I haven't quite figured that out yet. But regardless, things are finally starting to calm down and I'm curious what it will take for people to see that change. What will it take for things to get back to the way they used to be. What will it take for El Pasoans to come back to Juarez?

I honestly wish I could poll the citizens of El Paso because this is something that plagues me. I have invited my co-workers to birthday parties and barbecues at my house over and over. I know they won't come though. It's almost turned into a joke at this point. I'm not trying to get shot, they'll tell me. Over my dead body, they'll tell me. The tension between El Paso and Juarez is undeniable. When I truly began to understand how deeply connected the two cities are, this tension and animosity shocked me. Oh yeah, my tios and sister and abuelos live there but I won't go there. Por nada. Ni si me pagan.

Although some people just love to perpetuate unnecessary hatred towards Juarez (like when a DJ on 95.5 FM suggested painting a large middle finger on the Asarco tower pointing towards Juarez,) I think most people are just scared shitless of the what-ifs. Everyone knows someone or knows someone who knows someone who has been directly affected by the drug war. Everyone knows someone who was kidnapped or murdered or car-jacked. It's not something you can easily move past and certainly not something that can ever be forgotten. I understand that.

I won't ever be able to forget the things I've seen here. But at the same time, the world can't stop. We have to keep living. And above all else, we have to keep enjoying the lives that we live. What kind of life is a life plagued with fear? And if we don't make an effort to get back to normal, we'll be afraid forever. I don't know about you but I don't like to feel afraid. I am always looking for a way to move away from fear.

I've talked about this with my father at length. Living in San Salvador, he's no stranger to my situation. He knows exactly what it's like to live in and love a city that has a constant travel warning from the US Embassy. In a moment of frustration this week I cried out to him. I don't fucking get it! I don't know how to convince people that Juarez is okay, that a trip over the border doesn't automatically equate to a death sentence. I just wish I knew how to make this all go away! He responded so quickly and at first the words seemed too simple to be right. But they were.

Well honey, El Paso is just going to have to take a leap of faith.

18 comments:

  1. It's more than El Paso and Juarez Emily. My Grandmother and her friends felt comfortable to go to Palomas (the small town west of Juarez) to get medications before, as did my parents bringing us over as kids. I brought my parents through the corridor south of Juarez in 2007, but we have a habit of crossing at Santa Teresa (to go around Juarez), avoiding the small towns (where we would blend in less), and not stopping until south of Chihuahua now.

    Thankfully I've never had any trouble within Mexico (not even paying a single mordita), and our last trip showed that we can relax more while being in the border region. It is "returning to normal" (whatever that means), but I don't know if it will ever go back to the carefree days. Maybe by the time me and my wife retire (as was our original plan), it will be reassuring enough to us to live in Mexico again.

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    1. I know it's so much bigger. I get that. But even in the US, things aren't as carefree as they were when our parents were our age. These are the times I suppose. For the entire world. It's just a matter of changing with the times I think. Adapting to the world and everything that goes on in it. Living life to the fullest, regardless of the circumstances.

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  2. It seems like Americans are fearful people, in general. I took my daughter to a protest March a couple of years ago in Madison, Wisconsin and someone later accused me of "risking her life". She was only two, a delicate age, admittedly, but there was no violence, there was no hint of violence, there was nothing. It was the most peaceful protest ever. Many people actually held peace signs. I don't get the fear culture. And in Juarez, I would guess, it's just like any other place where people get murdered sometimes- you don't go to certain places after dark, right? And some parts you might not go even in the day, but your house is a fortress, or- Or am I simplifying it too much?

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    1. I understand the fear culture in Juarez. It's warranted to say the least. But what I don't understand is letting it rule your world. Well, I suppose I understand the concept, but I don't let it rule my world. Never will. I wish more people could take that stance. Things would be a lot different.

      And yes, Juarez is like anywhere else. Definitely places I wouldn't go at night, maybe not even during the day. Just like anywhere else in the world. You are simplifying just enough.

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    2. Emily, I think that a large problem is that Americans don't know what parts of Juarez are safe and which are not. We are not dumb, we know it is not a city full of corpses, people must live there day in and day out so we know there are safe areas, but we don't know where they are and which places to avoid. Plus we are not sure if blonde hair is going to make us a target. I am moving to Socorro, 3 hours from the border and I have made up my mind to visit again, I guess I'll see how it goes.

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    3. I am not saying anyone is dumb, but many people do feel as though it is a city of corpses. Not knowing the city is understandable, but most of the places that tourists used to frequent in Juarez are still perfectly fine to visit. Given you don't flash money, don't walk down dark alleys alone in the middle of the night, don't buy drugs, etc. Having blonde hair will not make you a target, plenty of Juarenses have blonde hair, if that makes you feel any better.

      Socorro is not 3 hours from the border though, it is smack dab on the border, so you might want to research a little more about where you will be moving to. Best of luck for you, it is a lovely town.

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  3. I love this post. I used to go to Mexico atleast twice a year. I haven't been in about 3 years because things are "so bad", I admire you for many reasons, one of the reasons is that you do not see Mexico as a big monster like how we do over here, I really want to pay Mexico a visit but I am just too afraid.

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    1. Hopefully you come for a visit soon! I'm positive that Mexico misses you!

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  4. It's not for everyone. Paranoia is manufactured in America but the finger always points out. Anyway Emily, I am in North Carolina and moving to Juarez really soon, and I hope we can meet, because I have that faith. So we have 2 of us now, as far as I can tell. :-)

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    1. Definitely! Shoot me an email. There's not just 2 of us, there are dozens that I know of and surely many, many more.

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  5. I know the feeling Amiga. I moved to Mty right in the middle of it all. Mty was horrendous, but I refused even then to stay at home out of fear. We don't go out to clubs, but we hardly did that in the US the year before. We were always out after dark. I too got very irritated and frustrated with all the "used to's" or the it is too dangerous after dark even now that it is so much calmer. I have been in the middle of a couple of gun fights (right on the edges where you can see everything), but refused to let it traumatize me to the point I was stuck at home. I couldn't agree more with your Dad, the entire US needs to quit being so scared and judging Mexico by its war and take that leap of faith. Hugs Amiga! BTW, I hope to be in CDJ soon (within the next year) for the interview. We will have to have dinner and you will have to show the good stuff CDJ has to offer!

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    1. Yes! Please let me know when you're in town. I'd love to meet you face to face! Glad to hear the interview is on the horizon :)

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  6. Unfortunately, people make decisions based on fear. This fear is not just toward Juarez, but you'd be surprised at how many Canadians are afraid of traveling to Mexico. When I told people I was vacationing in the Mayan Riviera, many people asked me if it was safe. Propaganda is rampant up here of people hearing of bad experiences that happen to tourists in Mexico.

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    1. That's the funny thing. People say to me... "I can't believe you live in Juarez!! I want to go to Cancun for vacation... do you think I'll be safe?!" The propaganda has certainly taken over...

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  7. Sounds like Reading, PA. The city still had most of the best restaurants, best architecture, best parks, most fun in the county. But it also has the highest per capita poverty rate in the United Sates, and is continually ranked as one of America's most dangerous cities, with it's own kind of drug wars. I know people who were born and raised in Reading who have refused to go there for a decade.

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    1. Very unfortunate. I wish the media would stop prepetuating all of this drama. It would cease to exist.

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  8. As im just getting into ur blogs and reading ur stories, I find them a wonderful love story and ur right a leap of faith, but my point of view what ''I see'' when ur driving along the border highway is a scarce,,deserted,,shot up,,scary looking place. I wont even go downtown here in El Paso just bc of what Ive seen, and heard the one time I went. Iam a believer in the lord and I know when its my time it is his call,, but i cant help but feel like its a place of entrapment for ,,,how do I say it correctly,,,,anglos,,lol bc some don't know Spanish, don't know the good and bad places to go and not go and that's what keeps certain ppl from coming over there. I wish you faith, luck, happiness and gods blessings on ur journey.

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    1. You won't even go to downtown El Paso? That's very sad. Just goes to show that fear can make us miss out on a lot of wonderful things in life. We'll just have to agree to disagree on this one. Thank you for the well wishes.

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