10 Things You Should Know About Me Before I Jump You Into My Gang

1.) I am insanely psycho about my hair and have to wash it at least twice a day. I'd prefer 3 times. I don't have any cool haircut or style. I don't use styling products or even conditioner. I don't even need fancy shampoos, I'm cool with Suave or V05. I will wash it anywhere too. Friend's bathrooms, airport bathrooms, kitchen sinks, whatevs. I just have to have clean hair. Makes me feel so fresh and so clean clean.

2.) I love to cook and love having friends over (especially during the holidays) but I absolutely hate it when there are other people in my kitchen, unless they are teaching me how to do something. I'm kind of an anxious cook and although I love it, I tend to stress when making meals for large groups of people. Any added bodies just adds to the stress.

3.) I drink like a fish and swear like a sailor.

4.) I cannot stand speaking in the morning. I literally jump out of bed at the first sound of my alarm, regardless of how hungover I am, but talk to me and perish. I have no qualms with waking up at the ass crack of dawn every morning, but unless you are bleeding from the head, whatever you have to say can wait. We can talk after I've been awake for a couple hours. 7:00 am. Talk to me then.

5.) I could survive on nothing more than Coke Zero, brandy, sausage, egg and cheese biscuits, chicken wings, calzones and Tin Roof Sundae ice cream. And love. Everybody needs a little love.

6.) I'm almost always and open book so if I'm in a funk and don't want to talk about my son or my past or my present, it's because I don't want to talk about it. If I do, I do. Don't push me.

7.) My husband and I yell at each other. Practically all the time. That's how we communicate. We swear and say malas razones. We talk to each other like we are compas or homeboys or whatever. Do not confuse our tone with anger. Just because one of us just said, "No mames, callase a la chingada," and the other responded with, "Fuck you guey," doesn't mean we don't follow it up with laughter and a make out session. That's how we roll.

8.) I am honest and I'll always tell you what I think if I know you are capable of hearing it.

9.) I don't like to be around negative people because negativity is infectious. It's like a cancer or herpes or mushrooms and I want nothing to do with it. When people insist on being negative yet do nothing to change their lives or better themselves, I have no choice but to keep them at an arm's length. It's for my own sanity.

10.) I am deathly afraid of birds and escalators.